The Perks Of Hitting The Bottom
A few years ago I was in bad place. In fact, the only thing stopping me from ending my life was a handful of compliments about my writing and the idea that I would inconvenience people. I spent days thinking about how I could die without causing suspicion. Some way I could make it seem like an accident, tragic, but no one’s fault but my own.
It’s hard to get out of that way of thinking, and I did it a lot. When I came to China, I came without the intention of looking after myself. I came to die. I simply let go of everything completely ready for something horrible to take that final swing. It never came though. I became daring and adventurous and experienced things the old me would never even consider. I never did anything I wasn’t proud to talk about afterwards and slowly I realized that hitting rock bottom was the best experience of my life.
Ironically, through my desire to die I began to live life to the fullest. I spent my time giving as much as I could. My evenings were evenly split between adventures and making lesson plans for my students. The little people who seemed to validate my existence. Every day that I walked through the gate their little hands wrapped around me, eventually becoming so routine that I started leaving fifteen minutes early to ensure the avalanche of love wouldn’t make me late. In these three years, I have made a difference. My life means something.
There were hard times too, and times I wondered if I was going soft. Somehow even when you’ve been through the wars little things can still eat at you. Yet, somehow I have persevered, and I think anyone can. It isn’t about being strong like they say, it’s about taking that dive. Rather than ending things with a rope or a knife, thrusting yourself forward with nothing to lose.
Maybe not the most conventional advice. Yet, the hollow words about being strong and it gets better never helped me. I’d rather give you actionable advice for when you want to die. If you really want to die than live like you don’t fear death. Do all the things you were afraid of doing with the justification that you’ll probably die anyway. In that moment, you’ll find what makes life worth living.
